Falling in Love With Cupcakes

                                Pic Courtesy: Google Image Search

Walking out of the bakery I adjusted my purse, and opened the box of a single blueberry cupcake... I took in the aroma... and with a deep breath bit into it. I wish I could share it with the world, and scream out loud and tell them how perfect my cupcake is. But I want to devour it for myself... and selfishly lick my  lips... let out a soft satisfying moan and go in for the second bite. My own personal individual portion of happiness... for me to cherish and me to enjoy and the for the world to only keep guessing how good it must be.

Eating cupcakes, feels much like falling in love. Every Time I have fallen in love... I think I put in a whole lot of effort keeping it a secret from all my friends and family, there is this heightened state of excitement that is there in being with someone that is not public knowledge... it's like my own personal haven. Much like walking into a bakery picking out the cupcake of my choice... The first bite is like the first kiss... every time they taste different. I am yet to find two cupcakes that taste the exact same, in texture flavor and taste.

While I know they say... that happiness multiplies upon sharing, there is still time for that. Cherish the cupcake of your choice with the topping that excites you... there will be time for sharing, let this one be just for you.

In A Zone...

I was working, pouring over my excel sheets and squinting at numbers that ran into 3 decimal places, when I saw this. And I just HAD to post this.

I could have saved a lot of time sharing it on my Facebook wall, but that just didn't seem enough. I felt this compelling urge to write when I saw this. Which is why this.

I am a single child and I was brought up with the knowledge that alone is not lonely. Alone is introspection time. Alone is talking to my own self. Alone is that one place when I am completely uninhibited.

Most people don't understand.

How many of us have faced these questions during those alone times?

Hey what are you thinking?

Are you alright?

Are you in a foul mood?

Are you upset?

No, I am none of these. I might as well be one of these... if you don't take your faux concern out of my zone.

Don't mistake me for a loner. I am not that. I love company. I also love lone time. It charges me up. It makes me productive. I make all my mental lists during this time. I on most occasions completely zone off... I dream... I reminiscence, I also plot... I plan... I make resolutions... I look at the sky... stare at the stars, breathe in the fresh air, listen to the birds.

I am a loner by choice... not as a result of lack of inter-personal skills. I am alone because I like it. I am alone because it is not my duty to be with people all the time, and make their life interesting. I am alone because I love my own company. 

Letting Go...

Letting go of someone and something is perhaps the most difficult thing. Goodbyes are on the contrary much easier. Goodbyes have a hope attached to them. The hope that someday our paths will cross. Someday we will sit together over a beer and talk about the good old days. Laugh. Cry. And let bygones be bygones.

Letting go means that while it tears one apart, it is perhaps necessary to ensure that we don’t lose ourselves. Letting go… it says that “I will miss it. But I realize that it is not mine to have, and I will never want to have it again.”

It is needed to let go of something to experience something new. It means that I never want to sit around wanting or hoping for it to come back. Coz while I had it, it brought nothing but pain.

Letting go is the much needed spring cleaning of our hearts and soul. Until you let go you will never know how something new or different can fill your life and world with the much needed laughter…

Let go… coz sometimes goodbyes are just not enough…

Just Happy...

I took up a challenge on FB called 100happydays. I thought, " I am in general a happy person, how difficult will it be to find a reason to be happy each day for 100 days in a row?" As it turns out... Very. 

I was not sad. I was upbeat and happy. I was just too busy to pinpoint and cherish what I was happy with? That's when it hit me... 

How many such days have I just allowed to go past? How many such moments have been lost? How many such trips between the pillar to the post have completely overshadowed those moments of simple pleasure in out lives? Many. Way too many!

Just got back from a movie... and sat down to work. And I realized that I am happy. Why? Just like that. You know there is this bubble in my heart...The kind that you feel when you fall in love for the first time. 

I am not going to dig deeper, to know why I am elated. 


I am not going to look for a reason. I am just going to enjoy this moment. 

From this minute on...I will not ask my happiness to justify its existence. From this minute on... I am no longer apologetic about who or what I am and of this feeling of contentment. 



Every now and then it’s a good thing to stop looking for happiness and just be happy. Michael Josephson

Multitasking!

I am the modern day woman.
I am the mother. I am the career woman. I am the errand boy. I am the confidante. I am the disciplinarian. I am the best friend. I am the wife. I am the cook.

I am the quintessential independent-balancing-work-family-social-life woman who is also going-mad!!!

Yes I am the independent multitasking mad woman!

And the funny part? I chose this title for myself. I could have surrendered to a relaxed monotonous life of a pampered wife, never multitasking never juggling forever focused and doing one thing at a time... and getting that right. I envy such people. They have this calmness and poise about themselves.

Not like me... who is applying lipstic... while reheating yesterday's leftover in the microwave... at the same time trying to settle some dispute between my 10 yr old and my husband.

Yes I get exhausted. Yes at the end of most days I get that feeling that the to-do list is never-ending. I go to bed with a plan of action in place as to how to handle the 10 zillion things I have taken on...

But there is always the satisfaction of that one day... once in a while... when the inbox is 0-0... the cake is baked perfectly... the diet not cheated upon... the husband happy with the quality time spent with him...the dinner guests happy with the amazing dinner we threw...the daughter proud of a Mom who helped her get an A+ in that school project...the blog is updated...etc...etc...etc And last but not the least a very happy and proud me.

A woman... who managed to transcend from being another run of the mill stay home mom to a Superwoman who can proudly say, "I am Me. I may be going crazy most days...but I still find time to be Me."

No Rules!

I started this blog six months back. I told myself I will write everyday. I will be disciplined. I was. I wrote everyday for exactly 30 days... then I realized I am handicapping myself. I am killing the exact thing that makes me what I am... A free bird.

I am setting rules for myself. Art and creativity goes out of the window the moment rules come to play. That's when I decided, "I will write when I am well and ready."

Some people can only work when there are no "shoulda...coulda...woulda" in the conversation.

Goals are meant to keep you focused. Goals should not pave your path. Goals are not the end of the line...Goals are only the beginning of the journey. That's the only way it should be.

Life is a journey. Its not a balance sheet. Its not about mental math. Its not about balancing the credits with the debits. Its about waking up every morning and making each day a more enriching an experience than the day gone by.

So from one... there will be no rules. There will be no... I hafta... There will be no... I must... There will only be..."Bring it on... I will handle!"

Life Gets Better Together.

A lot has been said over the past 10 days or so... a lot of rants... on FB on Twitter on blogs and everywhere else. And not just by the LGBT community... Freedom of choice... Freedom of expression everything. I read all of that. I agreed to all of it. I let it all sink in. I seethed. I fumed. I ranted to my best friends. I did nothing else.

It angers me that some moron somewhere thinks being gay is a disease.

We as a nation regressed, and how!

Can our politicians and the moral police please let us be? Can they please channelize their energy at something more constructive, like stopping female infanticide, dowry killings, rape, corruption? Instead of attacking a whole section of the society who is peacefully living their life?

Can we please respect people for being brave enough to break the so called "social norms"? How difficult is it to do that? Not at all. If the common man can accept his friends and acquaintances for what they are, why can't these self proclaimed protectors of the "national culture" do that?

This is not just about being LGBT. This is infringement of my private space. This is the SC's way of telling me that I or you or anyone else for that matter should only stay within the box.

What next? Women should be barefoot and pregnant always? Or a girl should only wear pink and a boy blue? Women should not have short hair? Or wear jeans? Or better still... are we now going to ban premarital sex? Or ban sex with protection? Isn't that also... "carnal intercourse against the order of nature"? Just a thought.

Let us be. We know what is right, and whats not. So should you. 

She was a tough cookie!!

Yesterday was my Daadi's (Grandmom) birthday. 

She was one of the meanest old woman I knew. 

She loved late nights. 

Loved her morning tea with Marie biscuits. 

She hated waking up early. 

She had this big fat diary in which she used to scribble away vigorously. It had poetry... random thoughts used to be penned in it. And the daily expenses as well. She loved reading fiction. 

She loved listening to the radio. She loved bitching about the neighbors... She disliked most people she met :)

She was the Hitler Daadi. She died at the age of 75. She loved chewing tobacco. There were a zillion fights at home with my dad over this. She would bribe my youngest cousin (then all of 9 years) to get her tobacco. 

I hated her most of my under teens. But when I turned 13/14 she was the one who introduced me to A movies. Coz she needed company to watch and understand English movies.

When she had her stroke she was paralyzed. She would only allow me to feed her. I was just back from finishing my MSc. Situation at home was tense coz of and my relationship with my boyfriend (now husband). I remember her telling me one day... "You really love this boy? Will he keep you happy? If yes then don't fight. Just lie low... these people will come around. Just be sure that he is worth the effort."

I just followed her advice. Things just fell in place. 

When she died... I cried so much. 

Today when I look back.... and when I see things in perspective... I think I am more like her than anyone else in the family. 

If I am even 0.5% a woman that she was... I think I am good to go. 

Today 13 years after her death... I am listening to the radio... I wish she was here to laugh at all the stupid people along with me. 

Daadi... You were a spunky woman. I am lucky to have known you. To have really seen you for the woman that you were. I am lucky that you unknowingly shaped me for what I am today. 

Thank You!

I never understood why people are so bothered about being bitched about. I have always taken being bitched about as quite amusing and more of a backhanded compliment.  

When people are talking about me it is because they are trying to figure me out. It is a testimony of the fact that they can't take their mind off of me. 

When people come and tell me about something someone said about me I get quite amused. It motivates me in a weird way. It proves that I am important enough to be discussed. 

I don't bitch about them, cause they don't matter. That's how unimportant they are to me. My life is so full of me and my loved ones that I don't have time to indulge my precious time discussing someone else's life. There is always so much happening in my life or in my near and dear ones' lives that it keeps me and my thoughts busy enough. 

Its not just limited to bitching... it manifests into throwing stones at wild animals, or destroying public property or just plain and simple creating a mess. 

Its people's way of attracting attention to themselves by destroying all things beautiful and free. People just don't know how to be around such things and people. They just do what to them is the next best thing. If you can't be like something or someone... you just try and destroy them. Its is their way of being in touch with these things. It is their way of making their presence felt. 

I never feel bad when I hear that I am being bitched about. It tells me that I am doing something right. That I am on the right track. I just bash on regardless with a new vigor. More motivated to be the way I am. 

Your bitching doesn't discourage me. It keeps me going. It shows me the light to the right path. It keeps me motivated. 

But for these people I would have just settled for lesser. 

So, thank you! 

In Agreement With Disagreement

When someone disagrees with me... I don't need to immediately rephrase my words. I should not be apologetic about my difference in opinion with you. I am not. Hence I wont try. 

I think or feel or say something coz I believe in it. You do the same coz you believe in it. You don't need to see my point of view. You just need to respect it. Like I do yours. 

My mistakes are mine to make. Your mistakes are yours. I wont try and tell you right from wrong. I would respect you more if you don't either.

People I love... I let them make their mistakes (or atleast what I think are mistakes). 

Each one of us need to do things that we regret. Man would never know fire is hot until he burnt his finger. 

I would never realize where I am going wrong unless I fall on my face.

We don't need people to always agree with us. If they do, then they are not being themselves. I would rather that you disagree with me... than agree with everything I say or do. 

Neither of us will grow that way. If there were no differences of opinions then the world will be a big blob. I don't want to live in a blob. 

I like you because of who you are, not because who I want you to be. 

I am happily in agreement with the disagreement. 

To Live Or To Analyze??

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"Babe...Stop! Stop! Stop! Don't overthink!" 

We all spend so much time analyzing other people's actions and how we "should" feel or react in a situation that most times we forget to actually experience the situation. 

One can either analyze life or actually live it. It's not humanly possible to do both. 

Most times we are analyzing or worrying or thinking about something because we are too scared to feel it. 

It's like dipping your feet in the ice cold water of the pool. If you do that it will be cold. Just take the plunge, the water is never as cold as it was when we dipped our feet. 

Before I take the first sip of alcohol, if I am too busy telling myself that I don't want to get drunk...I never will. Just let loose.. and enjoy the high. 

Stop trying to figure out why he is saying what he is saying...Just fall in love. 

Stop trying to figure people out. Just enjoy their company. 

The problem with all of us is that we overthink...always. 

Life is not a case study. Live it. Let our experiences be the core. Analysis is for people who want to avoid experiences. 

Experiences make us what we are. Analysing and avoiding them will only deter us.  

This Day That Year...

"Ma'am do you want a girl or a boy?"... The doc who was operating on me asked....
I mumbled, "Girl."
"You wish has been answered... healthy baby girl 3kgs weight"
I tried to smile... but was still drowsy from the effect of drugs. I vaguely remembered being taken out of the OT while every one kept telling me how pretty she was. How she had my lips and how adorable she looked.

July 29, 2004.

That was the day my bundle of joy was born.

Cut to 2013. July 29.

She is still my bundle of joy. Tad bit heavier. Taller. Thinner. But with a mind of her own. Just the way I wanted. With questions for every statement I make. Keeping me on my toes all the time. Ensuring that I can;t get away with... dumb reasons for what one should do.

Just the way I wanted it. A thinking person. With likes, dislikes of her own.

Who has learnt the difference between needs and wants at this tender age. And friends and acquaintances.

Who has her own set hairdresser. Who she gives specific instructions to about what hair cut she wants.

Just the way I wanted it.

Dear Hrusha,

You are 9 Today...soon you will be 19. Soon we will have more arguments than I can handle. Soon you will get mad at me for entering you room and going through your stuff.

But until then... I am totally gonna enjoy being your role model.

I love you... more than I knew I was capable of loving anyone.

Mumma. 

Criticism and Compliance

My daughter got a haircut. However, when she was out to play, she was a subjected to a lot of criticism by her friends. As expected she came back home upset. As I was the one who insisted on the haircut, (Which is really nice btw...) I was immediately transported back to my childhood. And all the criticisms I faced. 

I tried to explain to her that I am not any lesser just because someone decides to criticize me. The criticism is not of me, but it is a display of critical thinking from him. 

By criticizing me he is only attracting attention to his closed mindedness and his thoughts, and not my state of being. 

I used to spend a lot of time trying to adhere to what people thought I should be like. Trying to appease one and all. Until I realized that by doing that I am not really fighting for my self worth. Their liking or disliking me is not a proof of what I am, its a comment on their thought process. I can't control their thoughts. I can however control how I will take each comment people make on me. 

Quoting, American writer-philosopher, Elbert Hubbard--"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing."  

Fortunately that's not how I want to spend my life. 

I tried explaining this to my 9 year old. She didn't quite grasp the concept. I didn't want to push it.

She will figure this out sooner or later. Just the way I did. 

All Things Happy

                      Pic courtesy


My morning tea... sitting in my balcony. Solving The Bangalore Times Sudoku.

The greens against the grey monsoon sky.

Conversations with strangers in a pub.

Con-call with my besties. 

Cuddling up with my daughter and husband.

Shaking the leaves of trees after the rains and feeling the residual water on my face.

Late night "Blast from past" on the radio. 

Aroma of my Mom's cooking. 

Sound of the jets' take off.

A kickass haircut from Raju (my favorite hairdresser).

A great house party where all we do is laugh like mindless freaks.

The look on my daughter's face when she comes home after acing an test.

Waking up to the early morning alarm. And staying in bed.

Sitting in a room full of people lost in my own thoughts.

When I am alone and still not lonely.

Planning for that trip that I know I am not gonna take. 

Reading Sex and The City Quotes.

Laughing with my kid sister. 

When even after 15 years my husband still makes me laugh. 

These are just some of my favorite things. Things that make me want to live another day. Things that reinstate my belief that I am lucky. Things that give me strength and keeps me ticking.  

One Serving of Memory Coming Up

When you have a deadline to meet, what’s the most logical thing to do? Take out all old letters and pictures and browse through them.

I love looking through old albums. The joy of holding a photo in your hand can never be replaced by the click of the mouse.

Going through the hundreds of photos that my husband and I have between us... I realized memories are always happy, it's upon us how we want to retain them.

“Memories are wonderful things, if you don't have to deal with the past.” – Before Sunset

Every single photo I saw or letter I read brought a smile to my face. Until I allowed my mind to wander. And then the sinking of the heart started. Because every-time the mind wandered it stumbled upon a time in the past that I stashed away as an unpleasant memory. 

I am still learning, and it will take me a lifetime I know. It will most definitely take me a life time to learn to isolate the memories from the experiences. Memories are always happy. Experiences are pleasant or unpleasant. Experience of the past shape our today. Memories are like the umpteenth reruns of our lives. 

If we are alive and breathing then our life has been so far. How can then, the reruns be bad? 

A lost friend... a broken heart... a drunken night... are all testimony of the fact that you have lived your life. Let go of the past. Embrace your today. It's a memory waiting to take shape for your tomorrow. 

The Inner Voice

I was arguing tooth and nail with my friend and then mid-sentence I lost my chain of thought. I lost interest in the argument. 

It was then that it hit me that I have this tendency to argue most passionately about things that I am least convinced about. They are mostly in support of decisions that I know were mistakes.

I wonder if it’s the same case with all of us.

Do we argue to defend our decisions coz we believe in them?

Or do we try and sound most passionate about something and argue the loudest so we can drown out own inner voice?

In my attempt to stand my ground in support of my beliefs am I drowning my own voice?

If I realize what I did wrong, but still don’t admit that… does that not make me a hypocrite? Similar to all those I criticize, who don’t practice what they preach.

Steve Jobs said “Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition.”

But it’s important to know when you are drowning your own inner voice.  Coz nothing can be worse than self inflicted repression. 

Sum of All Fears

I am normally always happy and looking forward to something or the other. But I too, at times, have various creepy thoughts getting into my head. A strong believer in the laws of attraction, all thanks to my best friend who introduced me to it, I try and not get affected by these negative thoughts. 

But we all have days when we are sitting alone, and slowly these thoughts from the back of our mind come to the foreground. 

I fear the day I will be alone without the shoulders of my closest friends and family to lean on. 

I fear losing both or either of my parents. I am what I am coz of them. They keep me grounded. Many of my actions are dictated by how my parents will react to them. With them gone I fear what I may become. 

Until today anything that I have really focused on I have been able to achieve. However, the fear of failure pushes me to go that extra mile every single time. 

Last but not the least is one of my biggest fears of seeing my child hurt. Emotionally. Physically. I am a strong woman. I just hope that when testing times are here. I can remain strong even then. 

The list,albeit not endless, but is quite exhaustive. 

Then suddenly I remember what my best friend says... "Don't attract it babe!"

That's when I get up and tell myself... I refuse to be the sum of all my fears, I am way more than that. I am a sum of all my ideas and all my laughter and all the love I have in my life. My fears are there just to ensure that I dont't spill over. 

But I, most definitely, am NOT the Sum of All My Fears! 

The Story Tellers...

Do we choose our experiences? Or do they choose us? 

Have you ever noticed how in a party there is one or two people who have all the funny stories? Who have all the correct contextual  anecdotes?

Are they making them up? Not really. They are what we call the seekers. They seek experiences. For them life is all about the stories. The little memories. They are the story tellers. 

For them a day without a story is a day wasted. Every conversation with them starts with either a "Guess what?..." or a "There was this one time..." 

And we all gather around them listening to their stories and life experiences and making memories that last. 

They teach us to touch life, to feel it. To live everyday as though its our last. 

They seek out their life story, and not the other way round. The day each of us learn to live life that way, is when we have truly embraced life for what it is. 

Me and My Girlfriends

We all have friends. Some of us are lucky to have made true friends, while some confuse acquaintances to be friends. I belong to the former category.

My girlfriends and I are as different as chalk and cheese. But these are women I have immense respect and feel unending love for. They are women who have taught me what life is all about. They have never stood by me, but always a step behind, ensuring that I never fall and hurt myself.

There is the one who always says... go ahead take that leap. Its ok to fall on your face. I will restructure it :) She is my launchpad.

There is the one who says... Hey! don't, you are gonna hurt yourself. She is my harness

There is the one that says... Hmm... really? Ok.. try this as well... One of your many phases I see... Thats my landing bag.

They are the my pillars of strength, who maintain a distance but keep the roof from falling on my head. They make me laugh, when I am tensed. They send me flowers when I am low. They are my 2am call, when I need to vent.

Girls, I am lucky to have you in my life. Without all of you my life would be devoid of any stories. Whats a life without experiences?

Decades long friendships don't just happen. They are like a retirement plan. One needs to invest in them. :) ... We all invest and how!

You Are My Lobster

Awwww. How sweet is that? You are my lobster. I am yours. We have that forever kind of love. Why? Did you never watch "Friends"? How Phoebe says--

"Come on, you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You know what? You can actually see old lobster couples walkin' around their tank, you know, holding claws like..."

Coz lobsters mate for life. NOT!

Infact quite contrary to popular belief lobsters are a more mate-once-and-never-look-back-ever type of species. Actually if its a one night stand or a hook up is what you are looking for... then lobster is the metaphor you would want to use.

Why do we then keep referring to back to lobsters as symbols of undying love? Coz maybe there is something inherently charming about a hard-shelled fierce man falling hopelessly in love, and spending the rest of his life holding hands and walking around with his mate.

Just coz some scatter-brained fictitious character in some Sit-Com said this, we romantics just went ahead and believed it. I mean really have you even heard Phoebe's other theories? For example her theories of evolution, gravity, and whether or not her dead mother was reincarnated as a cat or not. 

Did we agree with any of those? Then why the lobster theory? Coz we like the way she shows old lobster couples holding claws. The idea makes us believe in that forever love. But alas the lobster theory is just that, a figment of Phoebe's fertile imagination.  

Please don't misunderstand me I love Phoebe. And whatever she says or does, she truly believes in them. But that doesn't mean we should shut our brain, right?

Why is it that our logic goes on a vacation when it comes to all matters of the heart? Why do we then throw all caution to the wind and start believing in everything? May be coz we all are hopeless romantics believing that there is and will be a happily ever after. 

But yeah all said and done... it does feel nice to say... "You are my lobster, and I am yours." Sounds much better than,"Let's have a one night stand, and get it over and done with."