Legacy.

Pic Courtesy: Google Image Search

Dislcaimer: This is a fictional piece written during a story telling workshop, any resemblance to any person or incident is purely coincidental. 

Sitting alone on my balcony with my 3^rd single malt in hand, I am looking over the busy streets and the noise that makes Gurgaon  a millennium city. At 48, my life is complete. Love of my husband, success at my job. I have worked incessantly for 25 years of my life, to earn my space in this materialistic world. 

I wonder if I die today what will be my legacy? Will my kids remember me for my care, love, wisdom? Will my husband remember me for my commitment and honestly. I want to think yes, but if I am entirely truthful I think my legacy will be my penthouse. 

How did I land here? Where is that optimistic passionate person who would fight against hypocrisy, societal norms and conventions and take the world head on? Today, as I think of true love, I think I still regret breaking up with my first boyfriend, just because he didn’t confirm to the so called group dynamics of my best friends. 

Was that first step towards losing my innocence? And beginning of my manipulative life. As insecurity crept into my mind, fear and jealousy took over my core values…and in my aggression towards success I started using my colleagues and friends as stepping stones towards the next promotion.

Suddenly my son breaks my chain of thought… the bell rings and I see him rushing out to take the pizza that the delivery boy has got in. I smile at his innocence and sheer happiness at being able to eat junk food for dinner.

This takes me back to the time when all us cousins would sit around the fire on a cold winter night playing antaskshari and my mom would come with a glass of haldi mixed doodh, a perfect shield for a menacingly cold winter night. I remember my Dadi’s pre independence stories, and how each story would end with the moral of appreciating inner beauty. Huddled together somehow these sessions always  made us feel safe.

All this nostalgia, tears me up. While I am respected and loved by most, I wonder if I still have the power to accept myself for who I have become. This conflict of instant gratification and my beliefs is never ending. Having completed ¾ of my life, do I have the power to renounce the toxic shell that I have built around myself and embrace the real me? In the process become a complete person, make my roots strong… spread my branches wide and high with leaves that are always green and healthy. Do I have it in me to leave a legacy for my children that they will always remember me by? The legacy of happy memories... of doodh haldi... of time spent... of huddled winter evenings with masala chai and pakora and ghost stories...

Shelf Lives and Expiration Dates

Walking through the FoodHall at DLF Promenade, I was amazed at the wide variety of food items. Each carefully categorized and marked, my mind couldn't stop wondering how simple life would be if everything came marked with its own expiry date.

Every relationship with its own shelf life, carefully stowed away and savored until it reaches its expiry date. Life would be simpler cause then it will be easier to move on.

No heartbreaks... no insecurities... no bad blood. Just a constant reminder that we need to make most of what is left in the relationship jar before it expires. While all the time carefully and consciously stocking up for the next set of relationship jars.

Relationships are also categorized in sets of consumer durables and perishables. The durable ones are the ones that we treat like most durables in our lives...very similar to the furniture in our house. As always paying more than required attention to the perishables.

Typical.

However it's the durable ones that pull us through every time the perishables expire.

Every relationship has its shelf life. Sometimes we outlive the shelf life... sometimes the shelf life outlives us...

Down But Not Out!

That moment when you just crack a random joke
So the world thinks that you are ok
When you know that although you are a fine bloke
You are somehow still standing on the crossway...

Wondering what went wrong...
Trying hard to stay positive
Just as you have done all your lifelong.
Down but not out... and never passive.

Life... you can push me on the floor.
But you can't keep me down.
I swear I will swim back ashore
I swear I will score a touchdown!

A True Marriage of Minds

On the 2nd of Feb 2002, 15 years ago , we made a choice. It was a choice that was the most important and significant. One that would shape our lives for years to come.

On that day, we chose to be life partners. At that time the decision seemed final and irrevocable.
Now, once I have spent 15 years with you I know a choice of a life partner is not a one time thing, it's a forever evolving and ongoing process.

Many times over the past 15 years, I have chosen you again. Faced with changes and alternatives, I have become aware again and again that a marriage lasts only if both partners prioritise each other and are friends.

Like every other couple our lives have been affected by highs and lows, I would be lying if I say that the thought of going in the opposite direction didn't occur to me.

It Did. But I did not.

The only reason I didn't was because no one in the past had ever and can ever in future elicit as many feelings of happiness, joy, love and madness as have you...

I have chosen you over all, and choose you still. Not because I feel obliged to take care of you, but because you take care of me. I live with you, move from one city to another, and from one house, that we make home, to another, not because a legal document binds us. I live with you, because there is nowhere else I would rather be than by your side.

I love you, but more than love, you are and will always be my best friend. 

The Bucket List

Time flew... searching short stories. 41st is almost here... and I realized that not too many of those short stories were worth it. Life is whizzing by... or am I running too fast and life is just standing at one place? Nevertheless... I have decided to take life by its collar... and make it keep pace with me. Mind and body need to be in sync and if they refuse to be... one of them needs to buck up or be left behind.  The latter is not acceptable. So the former has to work!

I hence sat and compiled a list of all that I thought I want up my sleeve by the time I am 45. May 23, 2021. That gives me 4+ yrs to make up for all the lost time.

Compiling a list of 45 before 45 :)

1. Read a classical novel in its entirety.

There are so many beautiful books out there... for years...waiting to be read. Where the language is perfect and the people dignified. The morbid 50 shades trilogy can wait and so can the Chetan Bhagats and the Mills and Boons.

Time to pick up one of those dusty yet evergreen books. My choice is Wuthering Heights. Someone who I don't wanna name once told me that everyone should read that book.

May be this year I will.

2. Smile at a complete stranger

We all stay in the concrete jungle...running from pillars to posts living the big city dream. No one has time to stop and stare... forget about smiling. Someone who knows me one day had mentioned that "Bandi when you walk on the road why do you always look like you are running against time? Frowning and calculating every minute."

To me it seemed the most natural thing to do. But today at this crossroad I am thinking... if I just stop and stare and smile at a stranger... and walk up to him/her and say... "Hey I couldn't help but observe that you have really pretty eyes..."

You think I will get shunned? I don't think so. Why is it that we don't think twice before smiling at a kid but will avoid even eye contact with an adult. The fear of being judged? Time to find out why!

(Not only did I smile...I had a conversation with a stranger)

3. Sing karaoke.

This is think is one of the toughest things on the list here for me... I like to think I am good singer...when I sing along... but just reading out the words off a screen and singing.... hmm that will be something. May be it will happen then year when I go to Goa... after 3 shots of double tequila :)

4. Go camping.

Camping. Hmmm to many its no big deal, but to an out and out city person like me...now that's something. A double man tent by the riverside is what I am thinking. My hubby the soldier will jump at the idea. So this is definitely the most doable. And done, it will be.

5. Go out on a date with myself Goa January 2018

Get dressed. Look my best. Make a reservation for just one person at the swankiest restaurant. Eat alone. Then take myself for a drink at my favourite bar. And finally finish it with watching "Before Midnight" when it hits the theater this year.

6. Take up an acting class.

Even if not a class definitely a workshop. Let go off all the inhibitions and do that one bit role. I actually wanted to put up "play an extra in some TV show." but thats stretching it a bit too far I think. :)


7. Update my blog once a week for the next 12 months (once every Thursday until 31st Jan 2018)

I read somewhere that "If the will to write is not accompanied by real writing then the will is to NOT write".  I know and the few friends who follow my blog knows that I have not been really (to put it mildly) regular with my writing.
Plus I should remember all the stories that I live everyday, so I can one day share it with my grandchildren.


8. Read one positive thought every day and Document it for 30 days in a row. 

When I was in college my best friend taught me to wake up every morning and say "I am ok. I am fine. Everybody loves me." Irrespective of what I actually felt. Apparently the Universe is listening.

So ya... 1 positive thought a day it is.

9. Go angling

You are never a true bong if you don't know how to catch fish.
Read a oneliner somewhere that said..."Vegetarian : Old English word for a bad hunter."

The carnivore that I am... How can I allow myself to be a bad hunter? Jokes apart... I have heard that the fun of angling is more about sitting by the riverside with a beer and wait for the fish to catch the bait. I don't care if I catch no fish. But just sitting around watching the river flow waiting for something that may or may not happen sounds relaxing enough.

10. Play the lottery.

I have never been lucky. But that shouldn't deter one from trying. One should never have any what-ifs in life.

11. Volunteer

We have spent our lives chasing dreams and climbing ladders. We have never once stopped to wonder what it's like to not have any dreams. Or worse still, to be too scared to even dream. If my efforts can bring a smile to even one person's face I would consider myself lucky.

12. Vote

I am 40 and I have wasted 22 years of my life not voting. Feel like a fool. I also know that this one wish I may not be able to fulfill even by the time I am 45. But I will try nevertheless. Reason enough for this to be number 12 on the list I guess.

13.  Create something and sell it

The joy of creating something pretty is amazing. But with that is the bigger joy of being able to sell it.
I am yet to figure out what is it that I can sell... but whatever it is I am sure I can get my friends to buy it at-least.

(achieved with with my facebook page... and what pleasure it gives :) )

14. Quit a bad habit.

This should be easy, considering that I have multiple bad habits. I now only need to decide which bad habit I love the least. My friends and family I am sure can think of a few that they want me to quit. Unfortunately they are not at the top of my list.

I am thinking giving up my sedentary life style should be one. My husband will be happiest to read this. But sweetie I also request you to not breathe down my neck asking me when I plan to work on it.

15. Replace my regular tea with green tea for 30 days.

Replacing regular tea with green tea is a great idea from the good health point of view. But who are we kidding it also has the same snoot factor as power yoga :)

16. Bake bread from scratch.

I will never forget the day I went for dinner at one of my friends house... there was all kinds of bread... and what more... all hand made. I suddenly felt like a burden on the face of the earth. So the deal is... I am gonna achieve this. Atleast once. Fresh bread made from scratch.

17. Take a ride in a helicopter

This may be difficult for some... But I am thinking not for me... considering I have more pilot friends than the average Joe.

18. Take up Dancing

I love dancing. This is was a passion that I picked up really early on in life. That time I never actually appreciated the dance lessons I used to take. However now I can give an arm and a leg to go back and relearn it. I will also. Just a matter of time.

19. Walk in the rain, and jump in all the puddles

As a kid I used to sit around stare out of the window at the raindrops falling on the leaves of the trees, the smell of the wet earth can still take me back to those days. The memories of riding my bicycle in the rain with my school bag secured in the plastic cover brings a smile to my face. I would love to relive the simple pleasures of an innocent mind. With the monsoons just around the corner. This should be the first one ticked off the list.

20. Take public transportation for a month. 

When was the last time I boarded a bus to go from place A to place B? I don't remember. When was the last time hailing a cab or an auto or taking my car or scooter was NOT the most obvious option? I can't remember. Hence the need to undo that. To fulfill the urge to go back to basics.

21. Learn how to belly dance

There is nothing more elegant than learning an exotic dance form. Belly Dancing has always intrigued me and like they say there is never a bad time to learn a good thing.

22. Learn to change a tyre  

Every woman driver should know how to change a tyre. Especially so me. Coz my biggest fear since I learnt to drive was, "What if I have a flat?" Time I took charge of that situation.

23. Go visit a psychic

I am a cynic as far anything supernatural is concerned. But I would really like to experience what its like to visit a psychic. I am sure it will be an experience to share. Another short story to add to my collection.

24. Bungee jump

Bungee jumping is that ultimate leap of faith. That moment before you go in head first can be life changing or so I have heard. Jumping off knowing fully well that your life is at the mercy of technology like the cable that is fastened to you. Well to say the least it can be a pretty humbling experience.

25. Be a qualified paraglider

I want 2017 to be the year I started my first leg of paragliding training. All info has been found out. All I now need to do is sign up for the course.

26. Attain my perfect weight

This is going to be bloody difficult. I aim to reach 60kgs by December 31st. I know that the husband is laughing. But as I always maintained accepting the flaw is half the battle won. 

27. Take ballroom dancing lessons

Even if this is just a workshop for a few hours. I am gonna do this sometime. With the husband. So buckle up sweety. You are in for a surprise. 

28. Dance on the bar counter

The sheer joy of being completely uninhibited. I don't know any bar in India that allows this. But well this is definitely one of them must dos on my list.

29. Backpack around the 3 states in North India (Any three)

This has been on my wish list for ever. The map has been chalked out. Completing this route is and will be a long time dream come true.

30. Limit my online time (for a month to start with)

Going forward my online time will be reduced to only a few hrs a day apart from what is absolutely necessary for my job. So that means much less of me on FB or Gtalk. But my writing will continue. Documenting my thoughts, so when Hrusha is all grown up she can really know who her mother was. And all that I went through at various stages of my life. 

31. Do Vipassana once every year

This is a promise to myself that I am going to calm my mind. Come what may. What better way to do that than by Vipassana. So one very important goal for 2017 is a 10 day course of Vipassana.

32. Write emails 

Yes Write emails, to every person I can think of thanking them for the effect they had on my life. I recently realized that we don't thank the people in our lives enough. And at times that results in them not knowing how important they are in our lives. Over the next 4.5 yrs I wish to change that. 

33. Work as a part-time bartender

The mental list I had made for my 40 before 40 was to learn bartending. Which I did, now it's time to put those skills to test. So yea atleast once before I turn 45, I plan to work as a part-time bartender. 

34. Move from Social Media to Real world

We all have so many friends... on Social media, I plan to touch base and connect with each one of them, and catch up with them over coffee or a bite over the next few years. People that I can't connect with, need not be on my list :)

35. Take a vacation All alone Goa Jan 2018

You only discover your self and your roots once your step out of your comfort zone. I am itching to achieve the goal of one vacation all alone, to the place of my choice. 

36. Visit one exotic off beat foreign country with husband

Don't know where and definitely don't know when... will keep this space open :)

37. Watch all the Sex and the city seasons with my BFFs

Sex and the city! I know sounds childish but truthfully that's the first ever girl bonding series that we have grown up with. So why not?

(achieved!)

38. Learn the Punjabi language.

Bongs and Punju's have this connect. Don't ask me what... but they do. This will be difficult, but being in Delhi for the next few months shouldn't be Rocket Science. 

39. Learn how to ride a bullet

This will be very difficult as my husband is more protective of his bullet than of me... But hmm that should all the more be the reason to make it to my bucket list.

40. Document my bartending Journal

I need to document the bartending recipe book and make it digital. Else all my effort will be down the drain. 

41. Give a heartfelt surprise to someone

It’s always heartwarming to come home to a nicely cooked dinner, to have a bouquet of flowers sent to you at work, or to even receive a simple text message from a loved one. Touch one person that means the most to you... Plan a surprise and make his/her day :)

42.Get a drink for a stranger

We all have our good and bad days, why not make someone's bad day good and good day better? It happened with me once, we were in Leh and talking to two firefighters from Canada, once they left the restaurant and we were to pay the bill for the dinner we were told that it was already paid for. I will never forget that feeling or those two people. Next time I go out drinking/coffee I plan to buy one round of Drinks for a stranger. 

43.Pack my bags and set off for a random location with no itinerary

I know most items on the list are travel related, can't help it... I am a gypsy soul. But travelling comes with its share of planning and meticulous execution... what if we dont plan at all? Will travel still be as much fun? Time to try out. 

44. Try a three week diet of vegetarianism, veganism, raw veganism

Why? Because for a hardcore non vegetarian, I have made fun of most my friends most my life. But Never tried the above mentioned diets. 

There are constantly debates on the pros and cons of a veg*n diet, and my though to that is… Try it out for myself and draw the conclusions myself! Even if I don’t stick with a vegan diet at the end, at least I’d know how it’s really like!

45. Plan a perfect Romantic getaway

With all our tight schedules, it’s very difficult to set up quality time with our significant other. I plan to bring back the spark in the relationship by going on a romantic getaway! Be it a dreamy vacation or a simple staycation, anywhere is romantic as long as we’re spending quality time with the person we love.

Having a getaway every once in a while is also beneficial for the relationship as it allows both of partners to spend quality time with each other, as opposed to being weighed down by day-to-day responsibilities.

Falling in Love With Cupcakes

                                Pic Courtesy: Google Image Search

Walking out of the bakery I adjusted my purse, and opened the box of a single blueberry cupcake... I took in the aroma... and with a deep breath bit into it. I wish I could share it with the world, and scream out loud and tell them how perfect my cupcake is. But I want to devour it for myself... and selfishly lick my  lips... let out a soft satisfying moan and go in for the second bite. My own personal individual portion of happiness... for me to cherish and me to enjoy and the for the world to only keep guessing how good it must be.

Eating cupcakes, feels much like falling in love. Every Time I have fallen in love... I think I put in a whole lot of effort keeping it a secret from all my friends and family, there is this heightened state of excitement that is there in being with someone that is not public knowledge... it's like my own personal haven. Much like walking into a bakery picking out the cupcake of my choice... The first bite is like the first kiss... every time they taste different. I am yet to find two cupcakes that taste the exact same, in texture flavor and taste.

While I know they say... that happiness multiplies upon sharing, there is still time for that. Cherish the cupcake of your choice with the topping that excites you... there will be time for sharing, let this one be just for you.

In A Zone...

I was working, pouring over my excel sheets and squinting at numbers that ran into 3 decimal places, when I saw this. And I just HAD to post this.

I could have saved a lot of time sharing it on my Facebook wall, but that just didn't seem enough. I felt this compelling urge to write when I saw this. Which is why this.

I am a single child and I was brought up with the knowledge that alone is not lonely. Alone is introspection time. Alone is talking to my own self. Alone is that one place when I am completely uninhibited.

Most people don't understand.

How many of us have faced these questions during those alone times?

Hey what are you thinking?

Are you alright?

Are you in a foul mood?

Are you upset?

No, I am none of these. I might as well be one of these... if you don't take your faux concern out of my zone.

Don't mistake me for a loner. I am not that. I love company. I also love lone time. It charges me up. It makes me productive. I make all my mental lists during this time. I on most occasions completely zone off... I dream... I reminiscence, I also plot... I plan... I make resolutions... I look at the sky... stare at the stars, breathe in the fresh air, listen to the birds.

I am a loner by choice... not as a result of lack of inter-personal skills. I am alone because I like it. I am alone because it is not my duty to be with people all the time, and make their life interesting. I am alone because I love my own company. 

Letting Go...

Letting go of someone and something is perhaps the most difficult thing. Goodbyes are on the contrary much easier. Goodbyes have a hope attached to them. The hope that someday our paths will cross. Someday we will sit together over a beer and talk about the good old days. Laugh. Cry. And let bygones be bygones.

Letting go means that while it tears one apart, it is perhaps necessary to ensure that we don’t lose ourselves. Letting go… it says that “I will miss it. But I realize that it is not mine to have, and I will never want to have it again.”

It is needed to let go of something to experience something new. It means that I never want to sit around wanting or hoping for it to come back. Coz while I had it, it brought nothing but pain.

Letting go is the much needed spring cleaning of our hearts and soul. Until you let go you will never know how something new or different can fill your life and world with the much needed laughter…

Let go… coz sometimes goodbyes are just not enough…

Just Happy...

I took up a challenge on FB called 100happydays. I thought, " I am in general a happy person, how difficult will it be to find a reason to be happy each day for 100 days in a row?" As it turns out... Very. 

I was not sad. I was upbeat and happy. I was just too busy to pinpoint and cherish what I was happy with? That's when it hit me... 

How many such days have I just allowed to go past? How many such moments have been lost? How many such trips between the pillar to the post have completely overshadowed those moments of simple pleasure in out lives? Many. Way too many!

Just got back from a movie... and sat down to work. And I realized that I am happy. Why? Just like that. You know there is this bubble in my heart...The kind that you feel when you fall in love for the first time. 

I am not going to dig deeper, to know why I am elated. 


I am not going to look for a reason. I am just going to enjoy this moment. 

From this minute on...I will not ask my happiness to justify its existence. From this minute on... I am no longer apologetic about who or what I am and of this feeling of contentment. 



Every now and then it’s a good thing to stop looking for happiness and just be happy. Michael Josephson

Multitasking!

I am the modern day woman.
I am the mother. I am the career woman. I am the errand boy. I am the confidante. I am the disciplinarian. I am the best friend. I am the wife. I am the cook.

I am the quintessential independent-balancing-work-family-social-life woman who is also going-mad!!!

Yes I am the independent multitasking mad woman!

And the funny part? I chose this title for myself. I could have surrendered to a relaxed monotonous life of a pampered wife, never multitasking never juggling forever focused and doing one thing at a time... and getting that right. I envy such people. They have this calmness and poise about themselves.

Not like me... who is applying lipstic... while reheating yesterday's leftover in the microwave... at the same time trying to settle some dispute between my 10 yr old and my husband.

Yes I get exhausted. Yes at the end of most days I get that feeling that the to-do list is never-ending. I go to bed with a plan of action in place as to how to handle the 10 zillion things I have taken on...

But there is always the satisfaction of that one day... once in a while... when the inbox is 0-0... the cake is baked perfectly... the diet not cheated upon... the husband happy with the quality time spent with him...the dinner guests happy with the amazing dinner we threw...the daughter proud of a Mom who helped her get an A+ in that school project...the blog is updated...etc...etc...etc And last but not the least a very happy and proud me.

A woman... who managed to transcend from being another run of the mill stay home mom to a Superwoman who can proudly say, "I am Me. I may be going crazy most days...but I still find time to be Me."

No Rules!

I started this blog six months back. I told myself I will write everyday. I will be disciplined. I was. I wrote everyday for exactly 30 days... then I realized I am handicapping myself. I am killing the exact thing that makes me what I am... A free bird.

I am setting rules for myself. Art and creativity goes out of the window the moment rules come to play. That's when I decided, "I will write when I am well and ready."

Some people can only work when there are no "shoulda...coulda...woulda" in the conversation.

Goals are meant to keep you focused. Goals should not pave your path. Goals are not the end of the line...Goals are only the beginning of the journey. That's the only way it should be.

Life is a journey. Its not a balance sheet. Its not about mental math. Its not about balancing the credits with the debits. Its about waking up every morning and making each day a more enriching an experience than the day gone by.

So from one... there will be no rules. There will be no... I hafta... There will be no... I must... There will only be..."Bring it on... I will handle!"

Life Gets Better Together.

A lot has been said over the past 10 days or so... a lot of rants... on FB on Twitter on blogs and everywhere else. And not just by the LGBT community... Freedom of choice... Freedom of expression everything. I read all of that. I agreed to all of it. I let it all sink in. I seethed. I fumed. I ranted to my best friends. I did nothing else.

It angers me that some moron somewhere thinks being gay is a disease.

We as a nation regressed, and how!

Can our politicians and the moral police please let us be? Can they please channelize their energy at something more constructive, like stopping female infanticide, dowry killings, rape, corruption? Instead of attacking a whole section of the society who is peacefully living their life?

Can we please respect people for being brave enough to break the so called "social norms"? How difficult is it to do that? Not at all. If the common man can accept his friends and acquaintances for what they are, why can't these self proclaimed protectors of the "national culture" do that?

This is not just about being LGBT. This is infringement of my private space. This is the SC's way of telling me that I or you or anyone else for that matter should only stay within the box.

What next? Women should be barefoot and pregnant always? Or a girl should only wear pink and a boy blue? Women should not have short hair? Or wear jeans? Or better still... are we now going to ban premarital sex? Or ban sex with protection? Isn't that also... "carnal intercourse against the order of nature"? Just a thought.

Let us be. We know what is right, and whats not. So should you. 

She was a tough cookie!!

Yesterday was my Daadi's (Grandmom) birthday. 

She was one of the meanest old woman I knew. 

She loved late nights. 

Loved her morning tea with Marie biscuits. 

She hated waking up early. 

She had this big fat diary in which she used to scribble away vigorously. It had poetry... random thoughts used to be penned in it. And the daily expenses as well. She loved reading fiction. 

She loved listening to the radio. She loved bitching about the neighbors... She disliked most people she met :)

She was the Hitler Daadi. She died at the age of 75. She loved chewing tobacco. There were a zillion fights at home with my dad over this. She would bribe my youngest cousin (then all of 9 years) to get her tobacco. 

I hated her most of my under teens. But when I turned 13/14 she was the one who introduced me to A movies. Coz she needed company to watch and understand English movies.

When she had her stroke she was paralyzed. She would only allow me to feed her. I was just back from finishing my MSc. Situation at home was tense coz of and my relationship with my boyfriend (now husband). I remember her telling me one day... "You really love this boy? Will he keep you happy? If yes then don't fight. Just lie low... these people will come around. Just be sure that he is worth the effort."

I just followed her advice. Things just fell in place. 

When she died... I cried so much. 

Today when I look back.... and when I see things in perspective... I think I am more like her than anyone else in the family. 

If I am even 0.5% a woman that she was... I think I am good to go. 

Today 13 years after her death... I am listening to the radio... I wish she was here to laugh at all the stupid people along with me. 

Daadi... You were a spunky woman. I am lucky to have known you. To have really seen you for the woman that you were. I am lucky that you unknowingly shaped me for what I am today. 

Thank You!

I never understood why people are so bothered about being bitched about. I have always taken being bitched about as quite amusing and more of a backhanded compliment.  

When people are talking about me it is because they are trying to figure me out. It is a testimony of the fact that they can't take their mind off of me. 

When people come and tell me about something someone said about me I get quite amused. It motivates me in a weird way. It proves that I am important enough to be discussed. 

I don't bitch about them, cause they don't matter. That's how unimportant they are to me. My life is so full of me and my loved ones that I don't have time to indulge my precious time discussing someone else's life. There is always so much happening in my life or in my near and dear ones' lives that it keeps me and my thoughts busy enough. 

Its not just limited to bitching... it manifests into throwing stones at wild animals, or destroying public property or just plain and simple creating a mess. 

Its people's way of attracting attention to themselves by destroying all things beautiful and free. People just don't know how to be around such things and people. They just do what to them is the next best thing. If you can't be like something or someone... you just try and destroy them. Its is their way of being in touch with these things. It is their way of making their presence felt. 

I never feel bad when I hear that I am being bitched about. It tells me that I am doing something right. That I am on the right track. I just bash on regardless with a new vigor. More motivated to be the way I am. 

Your bitching doesn't discourage me. It keeps me going. It shows me the light to the right path. It keeps me motivated. 

But for these people I would have just settled for lesser. 

So, thank you! 

In Agreement With Disagreement

When someone disagrees with me... I don't need to immediately rephrase my words. I should not be apologetic about my difference in opinion with you. I am not. Hence I wont try. 

I think or feel or say something coz I believe in it. You do the same coz you believe in it. You don't need to see my point of view. You just need to respect it. Like I do yours. 

My mistakes are mine to make. Your mistakes are yours. I wont try and tell you right from wrong. I would respect you more if you don't either.

People I love... I let them make their mistakes (or atleast what I think are mistakes). 

Each one of us need to do things that we regret. Man would never know fire is hot until he burnt his finger. 

I would never realize where I am going wrong unless I fall on my face.

We don't need people to always agree with us. If they do, then they are not being themselves. I would rather that you disagree with me... than agree with everything I say or do. 

Neither of us will grow that way. If there were no differences of opinions then the world will be a big blob. I don't want to live in a blob. 

I like you because of who you are, not because who I want you to be. 

I am happily in agreement with the disagreement. 

To Live Or To Analyze??

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"Babe...Stop! Stop! Stop! Don't overthink!" 

We all spend so much time analyzing other people's actions and how we "should" feel or react in a situation that most times we forget to actually experience the situation. 

One can either analyze life or actually live it. It's not humanly possible to do both. 

Most times we are analyzing or worrying or thinking about something because we are too scared to feel it. 

It's like dipping your feet in the ice cold water of the pool. If you do that it will be cold. Just take the plunge, the water is never as cold as it was when we dipped our feet. 

Before I take the first sip of alcohol, if I am too busy telling myself that I don't want to get drunk...I never will. Just let loose.. and enjoy the high. 

Stop trying to figure out why he is saying what he is saying...Just fall in love. 

Stop trying to figure people out. Just enjoy their company. 

The problem with all of us is that we overthink...always. 

Life is not a case study. Live it. Let our experiences be the core. Analysis is for people who want to avoid experiences. 

Experiences make us what we are. Analysing and avoiding them will only deter us.  

This Day That Year...

"Ma'am do you want a girl or a boy?"... The doc who was operating on me asked....
I mumbled, "Girl."
"You wish has been answered... healthy baby girl 3kgs weight"
I tried to smile... but was still drowsy from the effect of drugs. I vaguely remembered being taken out of the OT while every one kept telling me how pretty she was. How she had my lips and how adorable she looked.

July 29, 2004.

That was the day my bundle of joy was born.

Cut to 2013. July 29.

She is still my bundle of joy. Tad bit heavier. Taller. Thinner. But with a mind of her own. Just the way I wanted. With questions for every statement I make. Keeping me on my toes all the time. Ensuring that I can;t get away with... dumb reasons for what one should do.

Just the way I wanted it. A thinking person. With likes, dislikes of her own.

Who has learnt the difference between needs and wants at this tender age. And friends and acquaintances.

Who has her own set hairdresser. Who she gives specific instructions to about what hair cut she wants.

Just the way I wanted it.

Dear Hrusha,

You are 9 Today...soon you will be 19. Soon we will have more arguments than I can handle. Soon you will get mad at me for entering you room and going through your stuff.

But until then... I am totally gonna enjoy being your role model.

I love you... more than I knew I was capable of loving anyone.

Mumma. 

Criticism and Compliance

My daughter got a haircut. However, when she was out to play, she was a subjected to a lot of criticism by her friends. As expected she came back home upset. As I was the one who insisted on the haircut, (Which is really nice btw...) I was immediately transported back to my childhood. And all the criticisms I faced. 

I tried to explain to her that I am not any lesser just because someone decides to criticize me. The criticism is not of me, but it is a display of critical thinking from him. 

By criticizing me he is only attracting attention to his closed mindedness and his thoughts, and not my state of being. 

I used to spend a lot of time trying to adhere to what people thought I should be like. Trying to appease one and all. Until I realized that by doing that I am not really fighting for my self worth. Their liking or disliking me is not a proof of what I am, its a comment on their thought process. I can't control their thoughts. I can however control how I will take each comment people make on me. 

Quoting, American writer-philosopher, Elbert Hubbard--"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing."  

Fortunately that's not how I want to spend my life. 

I tried explaining this to my 9 year old. She didn't quite grasp the concept. I didn't want to push it.

She will figure this out sooner or later. Just the way I did. 

All Things Happy

                      Pic courtesy


My morning tea... sitting in my balcony. Solving The Bangalore Times Sudoku.

The greens against the grey monsoon sky.

Conversations with strangers in a pub.

Con-call with my besties. 

Cuddling up with my daughter and husband.

Shaking the leaves of trees after the rains and feeling the residual water on my face.

Late night "Blast from past" on the radio. 

Aroma of my Mom's cooking. 

Sound of the jets' take off.

A kickass haircut from Raju (my favorite hairdresser).

A great house party where all we do is laugh like mindless freaks.

The look on my daughter's face when she comes home after acing an test.

Waking up to the early morning alarm. And staying in bed.

Sitting in a room full of people lost in my own thoughts.

When I am alone and still not lonely.

Planning for that trip that I know I am not gonna take. 

Reading Sex and The City Quotes.

Laughing with my kid sister. 

When even after 15 years my husband still makes me laugh. 

These are just some of my favorite things. Things that make me want to live another day. Things that reinstate my belief that I am lucky. Things that give me strength and keeps me ticking.  

One Serving of Memory Coming Up

When you have a deadline to meet, what’s the most logical thing to do? Take out all old letters and pictures and browse through them.

I love looking through old albums. The joy of holding a photo in your hand can never be replaced by the click of the mouse.

Going through the hundreds of photos that my husband and I have between us... I realized memories are always happy, it's upon us how we want to retain them.

“Memories are wonderful things, if you don't have to deal with the past.” – Before Sunset

Every single photo I saw or letter I read brought a smile to my face. Until I allowed my mind to wander. And then the sinking of the heart started. Because every-time the mind wandered it stumbled upon a time in the past that I stashed away as an unpleasant memory. 

I am still learning, and it will take me a lifetime I know. It will most definitely take me a life time to learn to isolate the memories from the experiences. Memories are always happy. Experiences are pleasant or unpleasant. Experience of the past shape our today. Memories are like the umpteenth reruns of our lives. 

If we are alive and breathing then our life has been so far. How can then, the reruns be bad? 

A lost friend... a broken heart... a drunken night... are all testimony of the fact that you have lived your life. Let go of the past. Embrace your today. It's a memory waiting to take shape for your tomorrow.